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Saturday, July 6, 2013

Proper Aircraft Emergency Etiquette

In case of emergency, carefully set your cocktail on the seatback tray of someone near you, in case it spills. 

Place your tray in its upright position and secure it, then retrieve your cocktail. 

Instruct the nearest flight attendant to get your belongings from the overhead and follow you.

Never slide where others have slid; one never knows whose heinie hygiene is sub-par and has slid before you. Also, sloshing your cocktail simply isn't done, so stand in the door and finish it.

Sit astride the side barrier and ride it to the bottom like one would ride a bannister in one's home.

Immediately find the drink cart and have the flight crew repatriate your luggage with you.

Walk, do not run, away from the now blazing aircraft. Running is for children and those people who go to the gym.

Use your cellular telephone to call for a limo. When asked who's paying, point to the captain and say, "My head of security".

Seek shelter in the nearest sky lounge until your lawyer rescues you.

Remain calm. Until camera crews appear. Then go batshit hysterical and blame the airline for everything that ever happened to you.

Retire to a Caribbean island after the airline negotiates and live happily off the settlement.